Thanks for Trying
by queenb48
Summary: *Re-done* Gordon's got blood on his hands and finds it hard to see through the cold fact of now being branded a murderer. Can Scott bring his brother back to reality? (Minor swearing used) From Gordon's P.O.V


**Thanks for trying**

The aftermath of episode 12, Operation Crash Dive – (Where Gordon has killed the tourist, and can't seem to let the guilt go) –I don't own the thunderbirds! (R&R please! And enjoy the read!)

_**Gordon's POV**_

No one enters a darkened room.

There's a reason for that.

The unwelcoming lack of light forbids anybody from stepping in, attempting to hide something, or someone away.

Someone who doesn't want to be seen, heard, talked to.

Someone who confines in themselves, not sure of how others would react at their confessions, their sins. Darkness hidden within the dark. It isn't pleasant, but then how could someone's murder be a joyful thought?

Overlooking the darkened room, out of the huge balcony window, where only the slither of moonlight breaks through, the seas looking in; watching me. The sea of which they fell to and met their finally resting place. Closing my eyes won't help, the action is in vain. Nothing will ever wash the guilt over; it's stuck to my conscience,

_forever. _

I sit quietly on my bed that too sits in the middle of my room. It's my sanctuary, away from family, problems, and any incoming horrors.

The thought won't leave, even if the women and brothers do, memories remain solid within this box. I don't cry, I won't!

_I refuse to breakdown. _

A Tracy man shows no such emotion; a tower of steel never leaks a tear. But when a sharp knock on your barrier to the outside world echoes around your head, the very idea of emotional compromise is gone. I still don't want to see anyone, was this not made clear? The door between me and what can be guaranteed as one of my brothers, remains closed, for the time being, whilst a bodiless voice talks through the non-sliding metal,

"Gordon? Come on, you need to let this go. Open up will you?"

I stare harshly at the door, challenging its opening capability under the hypnoses power of closure, not wanting the figure to step in. I'm winning a losing battle though. I know Scott won't stay away, I know that Scott will keep fighting till he gets his answer.

Me however?

I simple shoot the trouble away. Not thinking twice, I'll pull a gun to the culprits head. Pull the trigger hard, not even blinking at the small explosion of ignition and power,

"It's my fault Scott. And if you think I'm going to listen to you telling me I didn't do something utterly wrong that I _did_ do, you need to think again. Because if it didn't, then god strike me down now, because I'm guilty as hell!"

My throat as dry as the Sahara Desert croaking in response. The hot tears are welling, their pricking the corners of my eyes. That's it. The tears roll down my cool cheek, I can feel the guilt rising again, the extinct emotions have surfaced, finally,

"I can't do it Scott. I'm a murderer..."

Of course he comes in anyway. Even the darkness doesn't scare my older brother;

Nothing scares your older brother.

So casual his walk, yet powerful as his shoulders carry such pride. His face though, bursts with confusion and sadness as he switches on the lights and sees me crying bleakly,

"Oh Gords, you did the right thing"

_Oh really Scott?! Shooting a man straight through the head is justice is it? Sure, he was putting other people's lives at stake, but we are International Rescue. Not the World Police who decide to pull that switch between life or death. No, I'm not god who confiscates life; I'm a helper and an icon. Not a murderer. But the empty cartridge, it was my gun, my bullet. That's all I'll ever truly be._

"Did I Scott? Because for the last 4 days, I've been asking myself that question. Sure, he was a bad man. He was determined to bring down FireFlash, I could have reasoned! But I didn't... I ended a man's life. I took the easy option"

"He would have done the same to you your forgetting. He was hired to do the same operation to all the craft that left the ground. He shot at you too, if he had a better aim, you wouldn't be here"

I sigh heavily along with the snuffling of a sob.

_I don't cry! _

Especially not in front of Scott, well this is embarrassing to say the least; with the light on he can probably see how pale I am, not to mention how pathetic I look. I haven't eaten the past 4 days, I can't. I know Scott's horrified. I'm not well, I don't need to be told, but with the thoughts running through my head, how can I simply let it _go,_

"That doesn't make it any better, I killed someone. KILLED them in cold blood!"

"He deserved what was coming to him Gordon, he attempted several murders beforehand. You need to let it go! You're not doing yourself any good!"

"It's easy for you to say, you were flying the plane. You didn't decide whether he should live or die. We're International Rescue! Not some private murdering agency. I can't Scott; I can't ever help people again, knowing what I've done! And knowing how much of a hypercritic I will be!

Why doesn't Scott just leave and let me wallow in peace? Yep. Pathetic sounds about right. I'm not even sure if what I'm saying makes sense! It's riding on all my emotions,

Was it the right thing to do?

Maybe I should have done something different, but I did give him a choice. And yeah, he did try and kill innocent people. I've never thought so much in all my life. But I'm a murderer; I can't stop thinking about that! I, by myself, raised my hand, with my weapon in place and shot him square in the middle of the forehead. How is that a good deed? That's not a good deed, that's just riddance of a rat, who enjoys to play with electrics and lives. I'm glad Scott is here; he breaks you away from burrowing too deeply into harmful thoughts, although he probably thinks what a child, a weakened runt feeling sorry for themselves; surely he doesn't though?

Hopefully...

"This is not like you Gords. Sure, you shot someone. But this was a man of evil; he was willing to give his own life anyway for his trait. It's not your fault, and I'm proud that you made the right choice, I would have done the same thing"

Ha! What a liar! No one can lie to me, I'm the king of that! But yet why do I see nothing but honestly in those cobalt blue eyes?

_He's got me. _

_He's right. _

_When's he not?! _

_But, really?! _

"Scott, you don't seem to get I took a human life! How can that not bother you? We save lives, not take them. That man, no matter how twisted had a family; people who will quite happy shoot me given the chance, and I wouldn't blame them. I would do the same"

Scott looks down to the floor with exhaustion and fatigue creeping into his face. He does not want to give up, you can tell. But I know he doesn't know the right answer here, he can only ever support, never really tell you that there's a happy ending to everything.

Because there's just not.

He rakes through his thick, dark chocolate hair in an attempt to calm himself; it's a force of habit. We all do it, especially Scott when he's stressed.

_Oh no, I'm making it worse!_

"Gordon. Yes, what you did could be considered utter atrocity. But the fact that he too tried to harm you, and others who had boarded that aircraft; do you not think he deserved it? That man, that terrorist, had most defiantly taken lives before, if anything you should be proud you rid of such vermin. Its men like him that don't deserve to live"

_So, I did right? Really?! _

"It was right to kill him?"

"Gords, you're not 4. You don't need to be told what is right and wrong in this world anymore. And in this case, you and I both know, you did the right and honest thing and bought a small piece of criminal injustice to a standstill. Lives were saved because of you; you were doing your job! One guilty life for sixty-four innocent ones, sounds like a fair trade to me"

Scott smiles confidently with satisfactory, before turning and leaving for the door, I'm not letting him go that easily, oh no, not before I express my

anger?

No. He came to help,

_Calm yourself Gordon, he's helping. Don't stress anymore, it's not Scott's fault so don't take it out on him_

"Scott"

He pauses and in the blink of an eye, swivels on his heels and faces me with more concern etched on his face,

"Thanks. I feel slightly better about it all now"

I'm glad to see the concern wash away. I don't like Scott worrying. He has enough on his plate, thankfully he just smiles and nods,

"You're welcome, I'm glad to hear it. Just remember, anytime you feel you need to ask or say something, I'm always around"

"I guess. Can I ask one question before you go?"

"Anything"

_Should I really ask? Is this maybe not pushing it ever so slightly? Oh who am I kidding?! _

"Have you ever killed someone?"

Scott's eyes focus onto the floor as he shuffles his feet, this isn't good. I see him bit the inside of his lip;

_Oh why did I ask! He probably thinks I'm such a child; I'm 22 for Christ's sakes! I need to start acting it!_

"I came close, once"

_I never knew this how?!_

"He had a gun pointed at a young girl, a hostage. He threatened to kill her if I didn't drop my weapon. So I took aim as he tightened his grip around her neck. I shot him in the leg. I wounded him. But I know he regrets everything now as he rots in his dingy cell"

"So you let the bastard live?"

"I risked hurting the girl; she was only eight at the time"

"She was ok?"

"She was fine" Scott nodded reassuringly, "I'm sorry Gordon. But you're the only Tracy who's ever actually killed someone"

And the guilt is back.

_Thanks for trying Scott. Thanks for trying_

Hope you enjoyed that little piece! All Reviews are welcome, just be nice! Thank you! –Beth x


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